essential action

This is my first blog.  I am at home, and Jeremiah is eating honey O’s cereal to my left…CRUNCH CRUNCH SSSLLUUURP.

This week at Yoga Teacher Training we talked and read about Brahmacharya.  Sexual restraint is no stranger to me as I have been single for the past five years.  That’s right…five years, raising a child with all of its frustrations, alone and throbbing in throes of my sexual peak.  There have been 2 short lived flings (I am talking two months maximum), but for the most part I have enjoyed other activities in bed…reading, listening to music, writing, eating cake and other yummy stuff, daydreaming, and need I say a fair amount of waiting…patiently.  To read and hear glowing reports of the wonders of celibacy, as I sit celibate through my sexual peak, was inspiring–but hardly comforting.

Despite this ongoing wrestle with my sexuality, sexual restraint is not what I found myself breaking through this week.  My sexual urge has been… quietly behaving.  The urge that I found came right to the surface is my NEGATIVITY URGE.  My go to place when I don’t want to deal with what’s happening, or when I face a tough choice that I don’t want to make.

Sunday afternoon was the climaxing surge of my negative side and there I was, drowning helplessly in my sea of dark responses, feeling blank, empty, and vacant.

The chattarunga work at this point was annoying.  The props (one block in my gut, and one smooshing my ribs) and strap (tight around my chest, arms and upper back) were literally physical manifestations of the tightness I felt in my body because of this negativity wave.  If only I had a rubber band strapped around my head covering my eyes, temples, and back skull—-my negativity armor would have been complete.  It is the armor that keeps me encased in my negativity, wrapped in my certainty of despair, unable to act toward a change.

With some kind words, and an encouraging adjustment from Michelle, I continued to acknowledge the negativity and surrender to it as best I could….IN CHATTARUNGA.   It became obvious that this heaviness was not going to just go away, and redirecting my mind was not an option.  As we moved through the discussion, I could say nothing.  I couldn’t even really hear what was going on because it took really all of my energy to just be with those inner feelings.  As the hours passed after training, dipping into the night, I felt better.  It seemed as though the negativity was slowly lifting.

I have always known myself to be a tinge on the negative side.  I used to call it strong and honest..but clearly it is a lot just negative and heavy.  What I am learning now is that the CAUSE of such mindsets are important to recognize.  For me the cause of my negativity is this underlying feeling that I am imprisoned by my life right now.  There are certain things that I see as obstacles to my “positive attitude” but the reality for me is that it wouldn’t be wise to just remove those obstacles.  It is like those chattarunga blocks and strap.  I could have just moved them out of the way-but that wasn’t the exercise.  How to allow these obstacles to somehow support and guide my pose was the lesson of the day.  How to muster a positive attitude to allow my  life obstacles to guide and support my choices and behaviors will be the essential action for me to foster.

Advertisement